Most of us humans have probably already broken our New Year’s Resolutions to eat healthier food, exercise more, and get our priorities straightened out, and after serious and careful consideration, we have decided that our four-leggeds companions probably also make resolutions to break. Here are six pet-centric resolutions offered by Alex Lieber:

  • I’ll bark at the mailman less…I will try to not exercise my authority over him…and other people intruding on my space…although my self esteem does get a boost when they retreat.
  • I’ll introduce myself to my human’s friends in more appropriate ways. For some reason, people seem to be offended at my sniffing hellos, although sniffing seems more effective than shaking paws. What information can you possibly glean from shaking paws?
  • I will beg less…I have got begging down to a fine art, but apparently begging is demeaning, so I will try to reserve my begging for only major worthwhile things like a walk in the park or homemade treats…I really don’t like those dry commercial biscuits anyway.
  • I will distinguish between furniture legs and fire hydrants. I will no longer treat indoor furniture like outdoor fire hydrants. It drives the two-legs crazy, and has no lasting benefit for me anyway because they clean away the scent as fast as I can “deposit” it.
  • I will resist the urge to bite the vet, even when she comes at me with those humongous needles. I don’t buy that idea that the shots are “for my own good”, but resisting is futile, and biting just seems to intensify a bad situation.
  • I won’t steal food off the kitchen counter…I won’t go out of my way to grab things off the counter, but all bets are off if good stuff is just left on the table.

A few more added to the list are:

  • I will not eat the cat’s food before he eats it (or after he throws it up), and I will stop making threatening noises at him when he is having dinner…unless all two-legs are out of sight….If that is the case, I may even grab his tail and have a little fun. (I won’t really hurt him….he is such a complainer.)
  • I will not come in from outside and drag my butt across the white carpet, or sit in the middle of the living room and lick my behind, and then give nose kisses to all the humans.
  • Although it is a documented fact that the garbage man is stealing our stuff, I will stop snarling at him or sneaking up behind him. The garbage can is not mine….(I don’t think it belongs to him either, but that’s the way it is.)
  • I will not roll on dead stuff, squished road kill, or critter poop, even though they have an almost irresistible aroma…It is not exhilarating enough to endure the consequence—a bath.
  • I understand that the litter box is not a cookie jar. Kitty box crunchies are not to be considered food. I will also leave the diaper pail alone, and not chew on the disposable diapers, not even the dirty ones.
  • I will quit drinking….I am not referring to the clear, flavorless stuff you set right next to my kibble every day. I mean the hard stuff—the water from the toilet bowl and the muddy puddles in my yard after the rain. Maybe a sip once in a while when my friends are over, but never more than I can handle.
  • I will continually remind myself to practice tolerance toward the two-legged ones. They need all the help they can get, and I understand that it is my responsibility to keep them happy and safe, so I will do my very best. I will also continue to live in the moment, enjoying the now, and react with joy to the simple pleasures in life.